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Deserving

February 10, 2012

I had a moment at work today. I was washing my hands in the bathroom sink when I looked up and I beer-goggled myself. Except I was sober and at work, but it was still beer-goggling: that moment when you look at yourself and think ‘yeah, I would totally tap that’ before you suddenly realize you are giving yourself a creepy smirk in a public mirror and you snap back to reality just in time to stumble to the bar for last call.

It was a small moment, lasting only a few seconds, but I needed it. I needed that reminder from myself that I was a worthy person who deserved good things, and dammit, I’m hot… in the right lighting with makeup and my contacts in. In bathroom lighting with no makeup and my glasses on, well, I’m still attractive. I, like so many girls, get caught up in the things that are wrong with me that I forget about all that is awesome about me.

I was on a coffee date earlier this week. On paper, this guy was damn-near perfect. Definitely someone I could have taken home to mom and my dad with his two shot guns. Sitting across from him, it became apparently very quickly that we just weren’t going to click. The closest I’ve come to an actual date in a while and all I felt was meh!

I started to question what was wrong with me that I was with this attractive guy who was pretty much a checklist of dating requirements and I wasn’t interested. It’s like he was the cat food to me being my cats. FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! Okay, you’ve filled the bowl. We’re going to go sleep now… after we cough up a hairball in your bed. Eventually, the thoughts turned very negative.

You’re not the hottest girl on the block. You don’t have a right to be that choosy. This guy says all the right things that would make your mom so happy but you think you can do better. He’s a hardcore hiker. You could stand to lose a few pounds. You think you can do better than this? You’re nobody! Round and round in my head these poisoned thoughts jogged. They picked up steam and soon, an entire running club of negative thoughts was doing laps. I beat myself down. I retreated into my own little world. I stopped smiling at people. I wore the same shirt two days in a row out of laziness and a general I-don’t-give-a-fuck. I didn’t respond to any dating-site messages. I let the mean thoughts win.

Then this morning, an attractive guy I see every morning on my way into work gave me a big smile. It was just a friendly hey-I-recognize-you smile but it was enough to let one little thought into my head: I’m not a nobody. That single thought rattled about by its lonesome until I caught my reflection in the mirror. I smiled alone in the bathroom and other positive thoughts joined with the first one.

Yes, the gentleman from earlier this week was great on paper but in person, he was as dull as the plain A4 paper the list was written on. His craziest story was smuggling booze into a night club. My craziest story? Take your pick: arrested in another country, stared down a developing nation con man and his “police” buddy after I refused to pay a bullshit fine (and I won), got lost in an ancient Roman villa and had to jump fences to get out after the place had locked down for the night, fell off a roof, swam in a fountain half-naked, and the list goes on. Clearly, we had different ideas of what crazy meant.

I don’t believe I deserve a perfect man but I deserve more than meh. So excuse me while I go beer-goggle myself in the mirror and remind myself that I am worthy of that.

And you should go beer-goggle yourself as well because we’re all pretty fantastic and worthy of more than just meh.

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