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The Worst Moment of my Life

May 5, 2012

After what felt like a lifetime of weeding through men who made me question my sexuality, I’ve been on two dates recently that I would call successful. I also have another one this weekend with a gentleman I’ve been chatting and texting with for a couple of weeks. I’m cautiously optimistic that at least one of these will lead to something worthy of a nickname on this blog. Given the optimism, it’s time for a girl to take some precautions.

The great thing about living in a country where birth control is legal is that I can just add my choice of prophylactic to my shopping cart and call it a day. I don’t intend for this blog to be political, but it’s a wonderful world we live in when women can take steps to protect ourselves from STDs and pregnancy. Which is exactly what I did during my shopping trip for various household cleaning supplies and toiletries.

I am waiting in line at the checkout when I hear a familiar voice call out my name.

It’s my mom.

I move as quick as lightning and jostle the items in my hands to hide the condoms between the box of garbage bags and my body.  Any security guards watching the CC cameras at that moment probably suspect me of attempting to steal but I don’t care. Frankly, being hauled off to the backroom and strip searched would be less embarrassing than this moment. I turn awkwardly towards my mom and smile.

My mom and I always had a very open relationship. While most girlfriends  talk about the dread they had for their mother-daughter talks about menstrual cycles, dating, and sex, I long to have my daughter to feel as open to discussing these topics with me as I did with my mom… up to a point. While I still have no qualms about discussing my period with my mom, sex became a taboo subject around the same time I started having it (which was 19 for those of you keeping score at home).

My mom is aware that I am not a virgin. I admitted to that a few months before telling her I was going to shack up with a boyfriend. But admitting to sex within a steady relationship where at one point even marriage was discussed is whole different kettle of fish than admitting to sex at a time when I am decidedly not in a relationship. Hey mom, you raised a whore sexually liberated woman!

“What are you doing here,” flies out of my mouth before ‘hello’. If my mom notices the odd behaviour, she lets it pass as she starts talking about her day. The line slowly moves towards the counter and I panic that she won’t be gone before I have to put down the items. If I have ever wanted the earth to open up beneath me and swallow me whole, this is it. My heart races at the thought of my mom actually seeing the condoms and the acknowledgement we will have to share that sometimes her daughter has sex just because. I frantically search for a place in the magazine rack where I could ditch the package of condoms without her seeing.

Nothing.

Praise be to the Invisible Space Pickle, my mom sees something that takes her attention and she walks away just as I reach the moment I need to put the items down. I feel like crying with relief. I flirt with the cashier because, fuck it, I can. As he starts to put everything in my bag, I grab the condoms and throw them in my purse. I don’t want them lying out a second longer than they have to. It’s a good call because my mom comes back to ask me if I have an evening free this week for dinner.

After all of that, at least one of these guys better turn out to be a fucking GOD in bed.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Maisie permalink
    May 6, 2012 3:40 pm

    AWESOME! Or not. But still laughing…

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